On Being Self Conscious and The "Top" diet

On Being Self Conscious

I need pants! I wake up in the morning and rifle through my clothes. I have jeans and plenty of t-shirts but as far as work clothes; I have nothing to wear. There are about 5 pairs of dress pants hanging in my closet but they are so huge on me that I could be wearing an adult diaper underneath them and no one would notice. Why not buy more pants? I did about 2 months ago but with my constant weight loss my size has been changing weekly.

I have a particular style that I wear. I have always been a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl (except for my senior year I was a t-shirt and pajama pants kind of girl. BTW, no one that goes to my old high school is allowed to wear pajama pants to school anymore.) I need to feel comfortable in my clothes, otherwise I stop paying attention to what is going on and I become fixated on how uncomfortable I am. I have an endless supply of women's cut cotton t-shirts and for work I am partial to wearing those shirts and a pair of Docker Khaki's because they are extremely comfy.

Hayley can't stand when I get dressed to go somewhere because I ask her a zillion times, "How does this look?" which is usually followed up by the very popular,"Does this make me look fat?" Hayley has not mastered the art of responding to these questions. One of the things I am great at is picking up non-verbal cues and if there is a slight pause or a certain facial expression with the words, "no" or if that "no" is said in a certain tone, I won't believe her or anyone. Not getting the response I want pretty much sends me back to my closet looking for a new outfit.

I have always been self-conscious, I don't place blame on the media or anything like that because thats just an easy excuse. I think the reasons for low self esteem and poor body image are so much more deeper than that. I battled for so long with my weight. In high school, I was so thin (105lbs at 5'7") and it felt so good to wear whatever I wanted and it was gratifying to have people say how great I looked and how thin I was. I was an unhealthy thin. I danced all day long and would have an after school activity, which was then followed up by more dance and sometimes wouldn't get the chance to eat a real meal. I burned more calories that I ate and that was a serious eating problem.

I got to college and my exercise level decreased making my eating increase. Food was my friend and I just kept eating. When I hung out with my friends in college it was usually someplace where there was food. I gained a lot of weight and I was also taking this medication that made me maintain the weight. I was doomed.

I started dating Hayley and she and I gained some more weight together. We both decided to start to diet. Hayley decided to join Weight Watchers but I don't believe in it. I don't think you need to pay someone to tell you to eat less and exercise a bit more. I know it is a whole mentality thing but you wanna lose weight like that get a group of your friends together and be your own support system.

Anyway, I dieted my own way and switched off of my medication to something with a few less side effects. That did the trick. Within the first two weeks I dropped about 10lbs. I continued losing weight by just eating healthy. I lost 25lbs that way and reached a stand still, I needed to start exercising. I convinced my parents that buying a elliptical would be much more cost efficient than buying a gym membership.

I was starting to look really toned and I was enjoying all the compliments I was receiving because of my weight loss. I kept on a strict diet and continued to push myself physically. I wanted to look incredible in a bikini. By the end of August, I lost 75lbs all together. I really haven't lost anymore weight, I don't feel I have to. Still, this incredible fear washes over me every once in a while that I will revert back to my old ways and gain the weight back but I think that fear drives me to be strict on my self.

Always keep in mind:

1. Water is awesome, drink lots of it. If you hate the taste add some lemon but steer clear of drink powders, even low cal ones. A lot of them have caffeine and artificial sweetener in them and reverses the effect of what the water should be doing. Try and drink one glass of water as soon as you get up in the morning (even before your first cup of coffee/tea) it gets the metabolism moving. If you drink water right before your meals you fill up your stomach and feel fuller quicker.
2. Drink a glass of green tea a day. It flushes out your system.
3. Don't starve yourself but don't snack on 100-cal packs. One a day is cool but remember 3 or 4 is like eating 400 cals + 12g or more of fat. You might as well eat a bag of chips, it would be tastier. Snack on veggies, fruit, frozen fruit, and my personal favorite popcorn. Save yourself some green, buy an air popper. You don't have to put oil in it, it takes as much time as a bag in the microwave, sprinkle or spray some butter on it, and eventually it will outweigh the costs of having to buy the microwave bags.
4. Soups are awesome!! Homemade is even better because you control what you put in it. Vegetable based soups are best.
5. FIBER! FIBER! And more FIBER!! It helps so much. Black beans are awesome and when looking at the nutritional facts the more fiber something has the better it is for you. Keeps you regular.
6. American’s like everything BIG, so our sense of portions is way off. I’m not saying that your steak should be the same size as a deck of cards like WW suggests, but look at how much you normally eat now cut that in half.
7. When eating dinner eat your protein first, vegetable next, and carb/starch last. By the time you get to the starch you should be pretty full from the protein and veggies.
8. Know your limits, it takes a few minutes for your stomach to signal to your brain to tell your mouth that you are full(because your mouth is happy from all the tasty goodness). After you finish eating your meal wait a few minutes drink a little water, chances are that you be done and won't need seconds.
9. Compromise on some of your favorite foods that are bad for you. You don’t have to give them all up (I refuse to put artificial sweetener in my coffee, it taste gross and triggers my migraines) but their may be substitutions for it. For example: FRENCH FRIES=BAD, BAKED POTATO W/ A LITTLE BIT OF SALT= AWESOME dip it in some ketchup. (I dip everything in ketchup I realize all the sugar that is in it.)
10. And Last but not least exercise! I am not saying go out and work your butt off. Do an extra half hour of physical activity than you normally do a day. For instance, pick a really far parking spot and walk, take the stairs, if you go shopping go down every isle, get a bouncy ball and sit on it while watching TV. It really doesn’t matter what it is, just keep moving.

A typical day for me includes the following:

• 6am - Wake-Up and drink 1 glass of ice water (our bodies burn calories trying to warm up after drinking cold water.)
• 6:30am- Breakfast - Oatmeal with 1/2 a banana and COFFEE
• 10am- 8-16 ounces of Green Tea with lemon and some fruit for a snack.
• 11:30- Lunch- Water, One cup of whatever soup I made that week and a salad w/ dressing (I make my own 1_1/2 TBSP of Balsamic Vinegar, 1/2 TBSP Whole Grain Mustard, 1/2 TBSP Horseradish, 1 tsp Olive Oil)
• 3pm- Water and some sort of snack like pretzels or fruit or fruit snacks. If I go to the gym I usually eat half a piece of bread with 2 TBSPs of Peanut Butter or something with an equal amount of protein.
• 6pm- Dinner- Water, Sensible dinner (remember protein first, veggies, then carbs.)
• 8:30/9pm- WATER!! I usually want some sort of snack or dessert, it depends on my mood. Some nights it popcorn or 1/2 cup of ice cream others I might make a frozen fruit drink (1 cup frozen fruit, 1/2 cup OJ, 1/2 cup water, and a squirt of lime juice) or more often than not I steam broccoli (Don't judge me!)